A Life in the Shadows

My Double

What would happen if you decided to create a double: a self that is you, but not you, a slanted mirror that only displays a particular side of your personality?

When my double first appeared, he was just a different name on a title page. But gradually, he acquired a more substantial reality. John Twelve Hawks hired lawyers, created shell corporations, negotiated with Hollywood producers and signed contracts. He was interviewed by journalists and answered questions posted on blogs.

There were days when my created persona had more phone conversations than my birth name self. My double had fans and critics. He was known while I remained in the shadows.

Did I lie to my family?

Did it bother me when friends saw me as a failure in our competitive culture?

Has John Twelve Hawks become one aspect of my personality or have I kept him separate from my "real" self?

I created my dual identity as I wrote my novel, The Traveler, and never thought that this peculiar situation would still exist more than twenty years later. The publication of Certainty requires my double to reappear after a period of silence. My doubleness is no longer temporary. It now feels permanent.

I can also see how the A.I. world of Certainty reflects the tensions created by any human interacting with a double that could become a digital creation.

Most of the people reading these words have a version of this double, a curated self that you present online or at work. Sometimes, you might wonder which self is more real. I'm interested in your insights and questions. Feel free to join the conversation.